Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
