The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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