he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
