These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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