Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
