I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
