She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
