I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
