i permit you to call me
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
