My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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