sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
