I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
