How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
