Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
