I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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