I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
