Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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