Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize