If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
