That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
