i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
