Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
