I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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