I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
