They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
