New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
