onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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