Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
