not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
