just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We are all done wearing pants today
Randomize
