i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
