I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
