he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You've changed since you got that strap on
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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