In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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