a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Is it because I queefed?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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