its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
