I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
