I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
