you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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