I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize