TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You're a waste of cheezeits
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
