The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
