I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
