Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
