Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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