Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
