so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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