My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
