Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize