talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
