census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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