He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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