so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
