The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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