I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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