Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
