Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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