I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
