I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
